I started journaling as a little girl with a little help from my mom. Not much as a little girl but I became an avid journaler as a teenager. The first journal in my stack is from when I was 13. I wrote almost every day; only missed if I fell asleep thinking I'd written. Entries were never very long and showed the simplicity of my youth. For example, I flipped to this entry:
Anyway, I have short journal entries covering almost every day for about five years. Sometimes I reflected a little bit but often it was just a daily list of what happened that day.
After graduating from high school, I was a lousy journal writer. My life style took a dramatic shift. I had a blissfully easy childhood. By easy I don't mean I didn't learn to work. As shown by my journal entry, my parents taught me the value of work. By easy I mean that I had an extremely safe and smooth childhood. It's something that I've had used against me at times, especially in my previous marriage. "You've had an easy life so you have no idea what you're talking about."
I have always been a very thoughtful and reflective person. I may have had an easy childhood but I witnessed enough outside my home to know I had an easy childhood. It's something I was grateful for and I cherished. I knew I didn't have personal experience in the depths of what pain could be but I knew I didn't like pain and, having seen others pain, I could empathize with others. Who really knows. My perspective, your perspective, we all have perspective. I've been through enough life now that no one is accusing me of not knowing what "hard" really feels like anymore.
Anyway, growing up I went to school, did chores, played sports, and spent A LOT of time reading. I socialized a bit but mostly with my family. (With seven siblings, I didn't feel like I lacked a social life.) After graduating, I became a lot busier and, away from the shelter of home, experienced a lot more stress. School was harder, socializing took a lot more time, and somehow I had to make sure I ate and kept a roof over my head. I attempted to journal but it was frequently interrupted, shoved aside for more pressing items (like a touch of sleep), or forgotten altogether. Fortunately, I veered into some new forms of memory recording that document these years a bit.
I did journal a little bit but it was hit and miss. Some months I journaled frequently; others were neglected. I also have a few partially used journals. All of my journals up to this stage always had the intent of recording my memories, particularly what I was up to at the time and fun times I had. Although life was harder than as a kid, it was also so much more rich in experiences. It was a fun and adventurous stage of life.
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| Most of my journals (Yes, there are some missing...) |
About five years ago, my journals became more reflective. At that stage, I was really frustrated with life and struggling to figure out how to be happy despite my life not going as planned. Sure, I had a good life, but I'd always dreamed of marrying and having a family. My dating life was pretty dry. Other than a 6 month spurt of dating the year before, I never really dated. My social life was active but guys just didn't seem interested in me enough to date me. Frankly, I felt pretty worthless. On top of that, the end of my college education was in sight and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life.
A friend gave me a journal and I started journaling again. About three months of mostly long, detailed entries. Then it became another partially filled journal. But it was an essential shift in my journaling and good preparation for the journals that now help me the most. I met the man I married and later divorced that year. Not documented in that journal. A few scattered entries in a computer journal. I wish I'd journaled more during that time frame. Oh well.
My marriage struggled from the beginning. I didn't worry too much about it. All marriages are hard, right? Shortly after I was married, I realized that I shouldn't spew my frustrations on my husband. That wasn't fair. Or, even when it was, it wasn't a good way to build a positive relationship. So I started journaling again. Very sporadically. As my marriage became worse, I journaled more. I recorded answers to prayers. I recorded the joy of my first child. I recorded my testimony of God. I recorded miracles. I also recorded that my family was struggling and my perspective on it.
When my mind convinced me that things were going to be better, I stopped. Things changed. I went through some difficult months. But I was convinced things were going to get better.
Until the day my husband threatened to take Big Brother from me screaming at me that I was a religious fanatic. This wasn't the first time I'd he told me that I was a religious fanatic. Or screamed at me. Or threatened divorce. But it was the first time he'd made such a point of it with the involvement of my son. (Baby Brother was still a couple months away from his due date.) A couple weeks later, this dramatic experience tied to what he termed his "mid-life" crisis which essentially was his choice to finally separate from what were once our shared beliefs. Maybe someday I'll post more on the topics of this paragraph. But tonight my focus is on journaling.
I didn't know what to do. At the time, my policy was to avoid contention by letting him get out his frustrations while I quietly held mine in. I firmly believed he would eventually realize that I loved him even if we had some areas where we didn't agree. But this added a whole new dynamic to the trouble. I couldn't stand up for myself; I didn't know how to without adding to the contention. And I hate fighting. But he'd involved my son. That was unacceptable. I knew that if I was going to stand up in an appropriate manner, then I needed a place where I had the freedom to voice things in any manner I wanted. Where I could speak without fear of a fight. I needed somewhere I could safely reflect so that I could put my foot down in a way that worked towards providing my son with a safe home but without adding to the terror.
So I went out and bought a journal. I put a lot of thought into journal buying these days. They represent a stage of life
The first week of my new journal I wrote long entries that went back and forth about whether or not my situation was as bad as I thought it was. I did some serious analyzing. At the end of the week, I had my answers without the need for reflection. My husband and I actually had a good conversation. By good, I don't mean happy. I mean he actually let me stand up for myself and my family without yelling at me. He also seemed to reflect a bit on it a little and was a little honest with me. However, that was also when he told me he was actively avoiding being around me and basically deciding if he wanted to stay with me. That was Mother's day weekend 2013.
My "divorce journal" documents only 3 months worth of reflection yet fills almost all the pages. I was making some very difficult, life changing decisions. Ones that would not only impact me but also my children. My last entry was a week before the divorce was finalized. A month later I switched to the "blue journal". I chose it because blue is my favorite color and it's one of my favorite shades. Plus, blue typically represents sadness and I knew I was a bit sad. Little did I know it would truly document my "blues" as it documented my struggles after a severe bout of depression. (I struggled to write during the severe depression phase but wrote a ton the months that followed.) But it also showed how these struggles aided my healing.
Healing that I may not have noticed if I didn't re-read what I wrote. Healing that would have been delayed if I didn't re-read what I wrote. I needed reminders of my reflection processes. I needed reminders of the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I hated and blamed myself, I needed the reminders of previous experiences to help me see outside my current perspective. I needed to see my experiences and thought processes from while I was married to help me understand why I was no longer married.
How does this apply to being Supermom? I've learned that journaling helps me keep the right perspective.
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| The "Blue Journal" (The "Pink Journal" is currently misplaced but looks the same. Except bright pink...) |
Finally, the beginning of the first entry of the "Blue Journal" shares what I've learned as I've re-read my journals: :
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