I've been through a lot the past few years. That could be a book on it's own. So, to summarize the cause of my pain, I had a lousy marriage which resulted in a lousy divorce. I always feared divorce. In fact, I tried to be extra careful in my dating and relationships in an effort to create a loving marriage and avoid divorce. Unfortunately, those efforts require the choices of two people and I'm just one person. There's more to that story but that's not really the point of this post.The point of this post is that Supermom experiences pain and sometimes her kids see that pain.
For a variety of reasons but especially owing to my marriage and subsequent divorce, I deal with a lot of pain on a regular basis. But, although a lot sometimes, the pain I feel now is nothing to the pain I felt 9 months ago right after the divorce. Now I have sporadic bouts of various levels of pain. Then I had almost constant pain. I felt crushed; was crushed. For a few months, I cried every day. I don't remember the date but I do remember the moment I realized I didn't feel like crying. The moment I wasn't trying to hold back the tears but just knew they wouldn't come that night. It felt like heaven.
Knowing my divorce was difficult for Big Brother, I tried to hide my pain. But sometimes I couldn't hold it back. I usually made it through the school day but by evening it was really hard. Sometimes the tears would just quietly seep out or something go wrong and I'd burst into tears before I was alone in my room after the boys went to bed. Big Brother would look at me with his sweet little face and I could see the concern in his eyes. I started telling him that I'd be alright. I just had an "owie in my heart". I didn't know what else to do. How could I be the strength and support my son needed when I felt so broken? Then I finished crying and continued on with life.
Big Brother caught on quick. It got to the point that, if I got upset at all (even if I wasn't crying), he would look at me with concern then say, "Mama owie in heawt?" And I would answer, "Yes. Mama, has an owie in her heart. But she'll be alright." He would immediately become more relaxed. He just wanted Mama to be happy. Sometimes he would follow up with a hug since he knows I loves hugs. Other times he just moved on with his life. Although he couldn't fully understand, he could understand pain.
Because he felt pain, too. Sure, he still gets to visit his dad. He can call him any time he wants, too. But it's not the same. As all of us do, he wants the people he loves to be close to him.
One day he was upset about something silly. I don't remember what it was; just that it was unusual. Something clicked. I knew he felt pain and I couldn't remove that pain. But maybe I could help him better understand it. So I gathered him in my arms and asked him if he had an "owie in his heart". He nodded his little head and held me close. Once he felt a bit better, he went off as if nothing had happened.
Since then, when he's unusually cranky or teary-eyed, I ask him if his heart hurts or if he misses his dad. I hold him close to remind him he's not alone. That I love him. Sometimes he chooses to call his dad. Sometimes not. But, when he comes to recognize the cause of his pain, it's easier to move past the pain and back to the rest of his life.
Baby Brother didn't go through the same painful experience. His dad left a few weeks before he was born and didn't really pay much attention to him until he was about four months old. So he's never known what life was like with both dad and mom in the same house. But he still goes through painful experiences. He doesn't know what "owies" are yet. But he does understand hugs. He also gets cranky when he hurts. Sometimes he just needs Supermom. Even if she can't fix the pain. Pain is just easier to bear when you have someone holding you who loves you.
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