I don't like the blame game. One of the reasons I'm divorced is because my ex-husband was searching for happiness and expected me to be the solution. By that I mean that he felt that if I lived the way he wanted me to live, then he would be happy. If life went the way he wanted it to go, then he would be happy.
The first part of our marriage, I desperately tried to find ways to show him how to be happy and change myself in an attempt to prevent myself from being a barrier to his happiness. I had lines I wouldn't cross though and ultimately we were divorced.
The reality of the matter is that I could never have made him happy. Just like none of you could ever "make" me happy. Sure, there are ways others could ease my burdens. Just like there are ways I could ease the burdens of others.
The reality of the matter is that happiness is a choice. One I really struggle to make right now. It's tempting to blame everyone and everything. So and so should have been there for me. Too many bills. The list goes on and on. I think I'm afraid to hope for good things in my life because if I hope for them then I risk that hope being crushed.
I have a good life and I know it. My boys are beautiful and they love me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst mom ever but I know that my boys know I love them. We have plenty of clothes (hence the never ending laundry) and food on the table (hence the never ending dishes.) There is a roof over our head and I have a good job to keep it there.
I struggle with the unfairness of life. I struggle with the pain and suffering that everyone experiences. I struggle to maintain my perspective.
Ultimately, I believe that God loves us. I believe that the experiences we go through in this life are temporary and are the best learning experiences ever. I believe that Christ made it possible to one day have the life I've always wanted. A life full of kindness, love, and family. Also, I believe that the majority of people are good. We have a hard time being good given our circumstances but I do believe that we want to be good.
So I hide my pain. I really just don't know what to do with it. Sometimes I intentionally hide it but, at this stage, I often subconsciously hide it because I don't understand it and I'm confused. I get stuck between the problems I face and my positive perspective of the future and of people. I really feel torn in half.
When I intentionally hide it, it's because I was terribly hurt by, not just one, but four of the people closest to me in the last year. Four people I came to trust with my pains and joys and fully believed they would always be there for me. People who betrayed that trust. All of whom were manipulative. Two of whom were violently hateful in their treatment of me. So, although deep down I know your intentions are probably good, I'm afraid of you. Afraid of what you'll do with my broken heart.
I have a very small list of people I trust enough to let see inside. My parents are at the very top of that list. I also have a very dear friend who's spent hours on the phone helping me without judging me. These people have seen all ugly yet love me anyway.
Other times, I intentionally hide it because most of my pain is caused by people letting me down. Little things have seemed amplified because of the big things I've gone through. Deep down I know it doesn't matter that someone didn't help me with that task but it bothers me.
Why does it bother me? Because of all the times my ex-husband told me to "just ask" if I need help with something. But then I'd ask and he wouldn't help. Eventually I stopped asking. Sometimes people don't help despite being asked. I rarely ask twice these days. Sometimes people don't help because I didn't ask. I feel safer not asking because then I don't feel like people consciously chose to not care about me. I'm afraid that you won't like me. Not only that but I'm afraid that your professed concern will result in hateful and/or hurtful interactions in the long run. I'm afraid that you're only helping me because you want something from me. Not because you care for me.
Anyway. Those are my fears. That's a little of my pain. I feel like this is a bit jumbled. It's been a rough week. A rough year. Things are getting better. I believe that.
Oh, I'm also afraid that you'll judge my feelings. When I was married, I wasn't allowed to have any feelings other than happy. Feelings are real. This is my perspective. It doesn't mean it's a perspective I want to keep. I hate fear. It's an unpleasant emotion. So, here I am. Sharing my feelings. Hoping it helps me heal. I know that it does. I feel so much better already. Ready to face life again.
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