This post has been a month in the making. Lots of ups and downs and wonderings floating through my mind as I struggled with the chaotic balance of life with an exhausting full-time job, two energetic little boys, and trying to maintain a pleasant life. We spent most of this past month with at least one of us being sick which meant I was extra busy trying to solve the problems associated with sore throats, exhaustion, and missed work. Baby Brother is also (finally) getting some more teeth. Currently he has three teeth with one central incisor and two premolars hovering just under the surface or, in the case of one of the premolars, barely peeking out. They've been sitting like that for about three weeks now. Three weeks of poor sleep as we've cycled through trying to find the balance between consoling and helping him learn to sleep through it. Three weeks of extra irritable toddler. Of course, all of this has been on top of trying to maintain a healthy family life including daily meals, a relatively clean house, and paid bills. Oh yeah, and a job that always requires time outside of the work day. Oh and that class I'm taking so I can re-certify on time. So I can still have a job next year...
That was the negative side of things. Mixed in with all of this was the reality that we are keeping up for the most part. I was frustrated by some of the things I couldn't keep up with (a lot of which was caused by problems that will hopefully float away in the near future as our immune systems catch up and the teeth finally pop out) but really we're doing so much better than last year when I had a two year old and newborn and a huge emotional burden from being abandoned. We have food on the table consistently. The teething sleep interruptions are nothing compared to newborn eating habits. Our house has been so much tidier. We have regular outings as a family that don't require a huge sacrifice on the household chores. I get to breath occasionally as my boys decide they don't need mom for a moment and can play nicely with each other. I may have a lot on my "to do" list but I no longer have as much that has to be done at the same time. I'm able to spread the work out a little more.
Anyway, as my mind battled to focus on the good when it's so easy to notice the overwhelming side of things, I also realized that I turn 30 soon. Normally, I love birthdays. I don't mind growing older. I find it exciting. Not the body struggles that come with aging. That's not exciting. But I'm not old enough to really understand what that's like. I see life as a great and grand adventure. Birthdays mark the beginning of a new chapter and a celebration of having been born. Life is full of opportunity and I'm grateful to exist. At least, that's how I usually think of birthdays.
But this year something was bothering me. At first I couldn't figure it out. I was turning thirty. I told myself I should be excited. But I wasn't. I don't feel thirty. (Do you ever feel your age? It always seems to sneak up on me.) Then it hit me. The problem wasn't turning 30. The problem was that I'm turning 30 as a single mom with two kids. I haven't been on a date since my ex-husband. I didn't go on many dates before my ex-husband. And, I felt like a single mom most of my marriage. So it wasn't turning 30 that was bothering me. It was the fact that I feel like I've been perpetually single. And no one really likes to be single.
Especially as a mom. Being a parent is exhausting. Being a single parent is beyond exhausting because you feel like you're doing it all by yourself. Sure, there are people there to help you but not like a spouse (in a good relationship). A spouse shares your dreams, goals, and desires. You have different perspectives, ideas, and ways of doing things but ultimately (in a good relationship) you want the same thing: whatever is best for the family. What this means is that when one spouse feels like the world is ending and everything is a disaster, the other spouse steps in with a different, reassuring perspective. Sometimes both spouses have a challenge where both of them feel like the world is ending. But in a good relationship, they at least get to share the burden and understanding of that burden with each other. It's so hard to understand what you haven't been through.
As a single parent, you feel the weight of the family on your shoulders. There is no other person who steps in and helps make your family function. It's you. And it's hard. More than just the hard of trying to make it to places on time and keep things functioning. It's hard because of the weight of wondering if you're doing enough, good enough, or how your mistakes will affect the kids you love. And having no one to consistently, regularly step in and reassure you that you are. Sure, people outside say things like "You're a wonderful mom" but they weren't there to see you make mistake after mistake after mistake.
As a single parent, you also wonder how you ended up as a single parent. I think it's pretty rare for someone to plan to be a single parent. Then, at least in my case, is the wondering why you weren't good enough for your spouse. Or all the other potential spouses out there. (Yes, it can be easy to get bogged down with the negative perspectives. It's easy enough for all the married women in the world to tell me how amazing I am. But, they aren't the single guys. Who apparently have a different perspective; one where I'm not worth the risk.) And, it seems harder to be single with two kids because you really don't interact much with single people your age. Plenty of married people. But you don't meet very many single people in our circles. Which makes it easy to wonder how all the people around you ended up happily married.
So I'm turning 30. And I'm a single mom. It isn't where I expected to be. But am I okay with where I am? Am I okay with my burdens? Could I be content with my current adventure? It's been a little wilder ride than I was expecting. Do I still like roller coasters?
Life would be so much easier to be single at 30 with no kids. No one to interrupt my sleep. Lots of time to catch up my grading, go to movies and socialize without any time constraints, and a lot more money for other things. Basically, being able to do whatever I want whenever I want without the burden of really worrying about anyone else.
I thought about it. And prayed about it. And reflected. I reflected on my life and considered other paths I could have taken. And, I decided.
If I have to be single at 30, I'm glad I have two kids. They really are the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn't trade them for anything. The enrich my lives in more ways than I could ever imagine. I'm such a better person because of them. They are so good to me. They encourage me to be my best self and help me to see myself through clear eyes.
Because of them, I'm more productive and yet more relaxed. Instead of coming home from an exhausting day and lounging around on the couch idling away my time watching TV, I'm encouraged to include some art (let's paint pumpkins!), music (impromptu dance parties) , and outdoor activities (most often the park) in my day. They encourage me to explore my talents ("Sing me a song on your... [points to my flute]") and they provide an opportunity to practice selflessness (What else do you call meeting their never ending needs?) daily. Ultimately, because of them, I'm more focused on the things that truly lead to happiness rather than wallowing away wishing my life was more like movies or books or someone else's life. When I was single without kids, it was a lot harder to wisely choose these things. Now I usually have to consciously choose not to accept them.
I'll take the teething because it means cuddling, three-toothed grins, and soft pats on the back. I'll take the temper tantrums because they mean someone feels safe and trusts me enough to help them as they make difficult decisions. I'll take almost breaking a leg on the balloons leftover from a three-year-old's birthday party because they mean giggles, games of "catch", and shouts of "Mama! Please play with me!" I'll take the exhaustion because it means I'm truly learning what it means to live.
At times I struggle with being single because it means being alone in a weighty burden. But I'm never really alone. I'm glad my children don't really share my burden. It means that I'm being well taken care of by God, by family, and by friends who consistently reach out to remind me they're there for me when I need them. Yes, the burden of where my family ends up is my burden. Mine because I get to choose who shares it with me. Because I get to choose who I trust with the welfare of two children who are more precious to me than anything else. So, a special thanks to all those who have reached out and helped my family thrive!
Now it's time to figure out how to celebrate my wonderful day. Actually, I've almost already planned it. I'm going to keep it a secret though. It's not how I expected to celebrate my birthday at 30. But just as wonderful. Because I'll be celebrating with my best little buddies. We're going to have some fun spoiling mom a little.
