Confession #18: Sometimes it's hard to be grateful.

I've had a lot of things going through my mind the past few weeks. Various possible posts have come to mind. I debated what to write. The point of this blog is to help me overcome various challenges that make it difficult to be a good mother. Some of the things I could write don't actually help me with that. I struggle with gratitude. As such, out of all the things I contemplated posting, this is the post that I feel will help my family and I the most. In no particular order, here are 15 things that have been hard, unpleasant, difficult decisions, or just annoying but are also reasons to be grateful:

1. My divorce. Last weekend I told a friend that I have a good life. As I've felt overwhelmed by everything I'm dealing with right now, I've also reflected on my statement to my friend. Do I really have a good life? Or am I just a good liar? I'm happy to report that I wasn't lying! I have a great life. Sure, my life is very hard. It's not easy being a single mom. But it is so much better than my marriage. Divorce wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I lied to myself throughout my marriage and did a very good job convincing myself that my marriage was normal. But it wasn't. Or it shouldn't be anyway. It was nasty. I'm so glad I'm no longer in that marriage. 
2. Staying home sick with Baby Brother. As mentioned a moment ago, although I have a good life, I have a very hard, overwhelming life. As much as I hate being sick, staying home today was a much needed survival break. Now I can make it.
3. Baby Brother and I just have mild colds rather than super sick. (Being miserably sick with a sick kid is torture. You can't think straight, feel awful, and are trying to care for someone who is also extremely cranky. Today hasn't been too bad.)
4. I have flowers on my kitchen table. These flowers represent God's love for me because, no matter how many times I try to convince myself I don't need the flowers anymore (they have a story behind them) because I really can't afford them, somehow I keep buying them. And somehow, my bills keep getting paid despite being broke all the time. The flowers are so beautiful. Even when everything else is falling apart, they're a reminder that there is hope.
5. I have piles of laundry on my couch which means my family has clothes to wear. Sure, Big Brother's are getting a little too small. But they still fit enough. They also show that even when I wondered how I was going to buy the next bottle of laundry detergent (everything seems to run out when you run out of money), somehow there was a way.
6. My substitute at school today is my favorite substitute ever. I know he will follow my plans and, even better, will be able to teach my students what I need them to learn. It's always so hard to miss a day because, after my sons, my students are my number one priority. It's a relief to have this man sub for me because I've had substitutes who haven't followed my plans. Which meant my students didn't get what they needed that day. And sometimes got more confused because the sub tried to teach them something way past their current knowledge. Sure, I was able to fix things. But my students and I have enough on our plates without the extra burden. Having a sub I can trust makes it easier to miss a day because I know I won't find unpleasant surprises when I return tomorrow.
7. My floor is littered with toys. Sometimes they hurt my toes. But they're a reminder that, compared to many kids throughout the world, my boys enjoy a life full of plenty. They have no idea how hard life is for their mother or why she gets worried. All they know is that their mother keeps them safe and full. Emotionally, physically, spiritually--they're fed and well nourished. Maybe not perfectly but very well. 
8. The curb pulled my fender off my car a little this morning. First, this is not my fault. They only half way fixed our road which has left an unnatural curb in my parking spot. Combined with the deep gravel of our partially fixed road and my car didn't handle it well. At first I stressed because I really worry about what would happen if I lost that car. Now I'm reminded I have a car. A car that, despite the rough fender at the moment that I have no idea how to fix, runs well and gets great gas mileage.
9. I ran over a (dead) squirrel Sunday with my double stroller. First, it wasn't as gross as it sounds.  Second, it was a bit hidden by the (parked) car I was trying to get around which is why I didn't swerve in time to miss it. Third, I have a double stroller! I can go on walks with my boys without having to lug one of them in my arms or listen to the other one complain that his feet hurt. These walks provide relaxation, enjoyable family time, much needed sunshine, and are free. Beautiful.
10. My fridge needs cleaned out. It's been on my mind. Unfortunately, there have been other things that were more urgent. So the fridge has frustrated me a little bit. But now, as I write this, I'm reminded that a fridge with various remnants of leftovers only happens if there was food to begin with. I've stared at the empty fridge before and wondered what to we could eat. Not fun. I'd much rather stare at the fridge that needs cleaned out.
11. This experience: Monday I got to work and was cheerfully completing my final preparations for the school day. I'd had a good weekend, felt good, and was excited for a great day of teaching. Then I heard "You've got mail!" Happy for the reminder to silence my phone before school started and a little excited because I rarely get texts or phone calls, I went to retrieve my phone. And read the following text: "I think you need to be more careful about what you put in your blog. Just a word of advice though." Instant panic attack. A year ago, my trust was severely betrayed by two people who were supposed to be people I could count on to love me no matter what. One was my ex-husband. The other was the person who sent this text. This person is very special to me so despite the hurt, I've been trying to rebuild the relationship. Things seemed to improve over the past year and, despite the fact that this person ignores me for the most part, I was starting to hope that we were rebuilding an important relationship. Then I got the text which instantly put me back in last year and my mind filled with fear. Irrational fear as really this person can't do anything to hurt me except say mean things to me. But it's hard to feel safe when you're the only one protecting yourself. Long story short (there's definitely more to this story), the anxiety was distracting and I didn't know how to get rid of it. Who would help me? During my prep, I tried calling my parents because I know I can count on them. They weren't home. So I prayed. And found instant relief from my panic as I was reminded that God was there for me. I still had to deal with the situation the best I could but I was no longer distracted. I was able to return to more important things full of enthusiasm and focus. I'm grateful for this experience because it reminded me that God will always be there for me. Even when everyone else fails me, He has yet to fail me. Because of Him, I'm able to keep going, to keep trying to build positive relationships even though people have failed me in the past.
12. This blog. The text mentioned previously also made me reflect a lot on this blog. Was I being careful? What was the point of this blog? Is it helping? This blog is helping me. I'm grateful for a place that's safe but not perfectly safe so that I can rebuild my perspective of me in a positive manner. You can't hide from the world and expect to find it's beauty.
13. Baby Brother is teething. We went to the doctor yesterday (another thing to be grateful for, good insurance) to make sure he didn't have anything that needed medicated (we really can't afford long term illness). As part of the exam, we were peering into his mouth trying to see his throat and there they were! The starts of some upper teeth! Baby Brother is almost 15 months old. He has two bottom teeth that he got around 10 months or so. He's complained off and on but never gotten any more teeth. Eating will be so much easier with teeth. And, finally, there's an explanation for his fussiness!
14. Big Brother. "Mama, I want to give you a kiss." Over and over again he has been expressing his love for me in this manner. Randomly. Not randomly. Hugs. Pecks on the cheek. Asking for a kiss back. Smiles. Laughter. Complaining because he knows I care. I love this boy. He makes every day easier. I would happily potty train forever in exchange for keeping him forever. (Fortunately, I don't think I'll have to potty train forever. Whew!) 
15. Baby Brother. When I come to pick him up when he's in his crib or after daycare, he rushes to me and throws his arms around me. He gives me a hug like no other hug I've ever received. Long hugs. "Keep me safe, Mom" hugs. "Make it better, Mom" hugs. "I love you, Mom" hugs. "I missed you, Mom" hugs. Then he squirms so I can put him down to play. Or, with middle of the night hugs, he falls instantly back to sleep and rests peacefully. I love this boy. He makes every day easier. I would happily deal with teething forever in exchange for keeping him forever. (Fortunately, I don't think I'll have to deal with teething forever. Whew!)

There you have it. I feel so much better having written that list. Before I wrote, I was really feeling down, depressed, and overwhelmed. Now I feel refreshed. God is watching over me. Somehow the pieces will fall into place. Meanwhile, I'll keep doing the best I can and focus on the things that matter most: my boys.

Confession #17: I struggle when my kids are gone.

I miss my kids. They've been at their dad's for a week now and my anxiety levels are sky high. I try to pretend that I'm used to when they're gone and that I'm alright. But I really struggle.

For the most part, at this stage, it's not because I'm worried about their well-being. I know they're safe. Their dad's house is a safe enough environment for their ages. It's not like I was sending them somewhere scary. It's a clean, comfortable place. Mostly, I trust that God will take care of them while they're away.

I also know that this trip was essential. They need a good relationship with their dad. In fact, it's one of the main reasons I divorced him. I knew he cared about Big Brother but, because he was so busy hating and avoiding me, he was destroying his relationship with him. I can't guarantee a great relationship or anything but they definitely have a much better one than they did before the divorce. (Baby Brother, too, he just formed his relationship after the divorce since he'd just been born.) 

This trip was essential to me because their dad just moved over five hours away and I wanted my boys to understand why they weren't going over to dad's every week anymore. I wanted them to know that the problem wasn't them; the problem was the distance. It was also essential so that they got used to longer periods of time away from me. Up until now, they really haven't spent a full week away from me. It's always been part of a week and often only part of a day. Now that their dad moved, they're guaranteed a full week or two away from me at time. They need to get used to it. They need to come to understand that mom loves them even when they're not home with her.

So they went to their dad's. And, yes, they miss their mom. And I miss them. We Skyped almost every day. It was awesome. Then it was not as awesome. As the week went on, I could tell it was getting harder for Big Brother. It wasn't that he wasn't having a good time. But, like I said, they're not used to being so far away from me. It was hard for me, too.

Despite being hard, Skyping was fun and beneficial. Baby Brother has a hard time staying focused on a computer screen or staying still for any length of time. But he flitted in and out. He would also come up to the screen with a content grin if I called his name to get his attention. It was definitely worth it to see that he was doing well. With the tantrums he can throw in my presence when leaving or returning, it's good to see he's not as distraught the whole time. 

Big Brother showed me his toys and insisted I read him stories. He talked and share details about his life with me. He was pretty upset most nights when I said good bye. Insisted on one more story. Begged me not to go. But I did. Because he needed to know that, even when we miss someone, we keep going. We'll be alright. 

But, I struggle. I struggle to eat when they're gone. I'm used to filling my day thinking about their needs. A large part of that is figuring out what and when to feed them. With them gone, I lose focus and forget that I need to figure out dinner. It's so easy to procrastinate dinner. (Which is what I'm doing now since I'm sure my rice has finished cooking by now...) I'm used to knowing they'll get hungry soon so I better have dinner ready. But, with me, it's easy to push my hunger aside to finish something first. I'm also used to sitting around the table enjoying meals with my kids. Meals are less exciting without company to enjoy it with. Sure, it was easier to eat when I finally made something to eat. I didn't have to stop to help my boys every other minute. But it was lonely.

I also struggle to sleep. One reason is because I don't have to worry about them waking me up in the morning. So it's a lot easier for me to rationalize staying up too late. But I still wake up at about the same time every morning because my body is used to it. The result less sleep. I also have a really hard time convincing myself to go to bed when I'm lonely. I already struggle with loneliness relating to my failed marriage. It makes it hard to go to bed knowing that my loneliness will still be there in the morning. It's even harder knowing that the next day my kids will be gone, too. I don't consciously focus on these thoughts most of the time but they're back there as I choose to read a book or watch a movie to get out of my life for a moment or two or an hour or two or too many. Sometimes it's nice forgetting my life and getting into someone else's.

Finally, I struggle with the empty. Until the divorce, I had never spent so many nights alone in an empty house. Just me. By myself. I grew up in a large family. It was noisy and loud and I loved it. Even on the occasions when it was quiet, it felt alive. Then I moved out but I always had roommates and people around. And again, it was noisy and loud and I loved it. And, on the occasion that it got too quiet or seemed empty, I just invited people over so it would be noisy and loud. So it would feel alive. When I got married, at first, I had a husband. It was a little quieter but not like this. And before I could really get bothered by the quiet and before it started feeling empty because he was gone a lot, I had a new baby. The rest of my marriage was not quiet or empty. Because I was either at school with a room full of noisy teenagers or I was at home spending time with Big Brother. I got used to running at a frantic pace but also slowing down to enjoy the moments with my family.

Then I got divorced. And suddenly I was given nights all by myself. Quiet, empty nights. They were few at first but gradually increased. Baby Brother was on a modified plan at first so he didn't spend any nights away, only days, until a few months ago. Then it was hard. It gave me time to think and be lonely and wonder what had happened. Now I struggle less with that but still struggle with my empty house. I'd invite people over but I don't know who. Most of the people I know have families of their own. I don't really have any single friends my age any more to fill the void. So I have some quiet, empty nights.

They're good for me. It's not that I don't enjoy quiet. I don't care if the people around me are noisy or quiet; I just care that they're there. But I'm learning that I need to be able to be content with who I am and what God has given me. My house isn't empty because I'm in it. And I'm pretty awesome. I'm learning to use these "empty" moments to take a much needed break. It definitely gives perspective for those days when my boys are home and things are a little beyond chaos.

I'm also learning to love at a deeper level as I choose to fill "empty" moments with serving others. I am learning how to love my boys even when they're not here as I choose to do tasks that benefit them such as cleaning the house, prepping meals, and doing special things for them. (Like prepping Big Brother's 3rd birthday party. I am so excited!) I'm also learning to recognize who else I can help while they're gone. 

I'm also learning how to love myself more. Learning to be okay with focusing on a talent or doing something fun. I went to a few social events this past week. Not sure anyone really benefited from my presence but I definitely benefited from theirs!

It's getting better. As the years pass, we'll get used to this. It may not be the perfect life I always imagined. But it's a good one. I'm grateful for it. I'm learning to be more grateful for it and to show that gratitude better rather than wallowing in lonely moments.

Still, the boys get back tomorrow and I am THRILLED. CAN'T WAIT. HURRAY!!