I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To get a detailed description of what I believed from a trusted and reliable source, please visit www.mormon.org which is the website designed by my church to help people understand our beliefs. I believe it's always best to go to the source to find out things rather than just believing what I hear from others.
Meanwhile, to summarize the core of my beliefs, I believe in God who is our Heavenly Father. I believe we lived as spiritual beings with Him before our lives on earth. We learned many wonderful things but eventually needed to separate ourselves from Him so we could really learn who we are and have learning experiences. To me, this has always reminded me of a kid going off to college. You learn a lot at home with your parents. But some day you have to test out your wings. Can you make good decisions on your own? Without dad and mom hovering over you? Of course, dad and mom are still available to help and the wise child seeks advice from them.
That's my view of this earthly experience. A time away from home where I get to test out my wings and learn to fly. Sometimes I do something stupid and instead of flying I'm falling. Or I get stuck in a storm and injure my wings. Which is where my big brother, Jesus Christ, comes in. He rescues me, repairs my wings, and helps me get going again. Sometimes this process takes a while. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fly again. But I always do. Life is so much better from the air.
One day, I'll leave this life. I'll return to my Father in Heaven. I'll share with him what I've learned and we'll rejoice in the opportunity I had.
That's a brief summary of what I feel is the core of my religion. There is, of course, more to it but this is my center.
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| A depiction of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ |
I'm not very vocal about my religion. Growing up, this was mostly because I wasn't very vocal about anything except with close friends. I was just a touch shy. I've always thought people are amazing. I always got tongue tied because I was worried about saying something the wrong way. Not just about religion. I was really self-conscious about what others thought about me.
After high school, I had a lot of experiences that lessened my fear of others. I still wouldn't share what was deep in my heart but I was much more outgoing and, for the most part, happy with who I was.
For me, religion is a way of life. I want a personal relationship with God and Jesus Christ so I seek to build one just as I strive to build a relationship with my parents or with my kids. So I talk to them through prayer and I listen for their answers. These answers come through the Holy Ghost (a messenger who aids us in our journey) in a variety of ways. I talk to them about everything and have from a young age. Because from a young age, the answers have always led to happiness. There is so much I don't understand. And sometimes I get frustrated with my lack of knowledge. Which is why I study my textbooks (scriptures and other resources), go to church, and keep the commandments (or safety rules for life.) Not perfectly but I try.
My ex-husband decided to marry me knowing full well how religious I was at the time. I didn't hide my religion from him but lived my religion as described. And, I finally opened my heart and showed him the deepest parts of who I am and what I believed. He loved it. He praised my convictions and encouraged me to remain true to my beliefs.
Then things changed. We were engaged for a year. The first half of that year I was busy doing my student teaching in a neighboring town. We saw each other weekly and talked on the phone but not enough apparently. I was doing some intense decision making as I questioned some of the answers God had given me. He was busy with school and a big social life. As a result, things changed without me realizing it. The second half of the year we saw each other more but I didn't catch on to what had changed.
Right after we were married, I realized that the man I married was no longer interested in religion the way he professed to be interested in religion. I came to realize that he had started just going to through the motions to please others but didn't really care about it in his heart. Not only that but he was determined to destroy my beliefs.
I had a choice. Live my religion in my home and be mocked. Or choose to give up my beliefs.
At first, I chose to do my best to hide my religion. I hid my prayers and my scripture study and avoided the topic of religion. He still went to church with me but it was painful as it was accompanied by intense criticism of everyone who went to church. It was also a little confusing. I could tell he was battling within himself about whether he wanted to stick with it or not. So I tried to give him some space to figure it out. He was always accusing me of forcing him to be religious so I stepped back and really gave him space. I even told him that I felt our family was more important than a religious battle. Even if he stopped going to church, I'd love him.
And I wasn't lying. I did love him. More than I'd ever loved anyone. I knew he was struggling but I also knew his potential. (And I'm not just talking about religious potential here.) Gradually I realized that, by hiding my religion, I wasn't helping him. What he was really looking for was happiness and living my religious life brought me happiness. Hiding it wasn't bringing me happiness. I didn't shove it at him but I started trying to stop hiding it. I started reading a verse of scripture and saying a prayer with Big Brother. He was invited to join if he wanted. We also said prayers before meals.
He retaliated with a variety of attacks. Some subtle; others blatant. According to him, I was the only one with my believes. Even other members of my religion. (and he would name specific people, typically friends or people I trusted) didn't believe. According to him, I only believed because I'd been brainwashed by my parents into believing. I never thought for myself and was blindly following a pack of lies. These are some of the ones used most frequently.
The more subtle attacks were usually little verbal comments or criticism on specific commandments I choose to live. There are movies and TV shows that I have no desire to watch for a variety of reasons. He knew that from before we even started dating and openly supported that decision. Until we were married. There were so many things we could agree on to watch but it was never enough because of what I wouldn't watch. Most attacks centered on this item or my choice not to drink alcohol or wear skimpy clothing in public.
At first, I would get defensive which resulted in a verbal debate. I realized it wasn't helping our situation and strove for peace by holding my tongue. I would never convince him by arguing with him so I focused on reviewing my beliefs including his comments. What were my beliefs? Why didn't I drink? Was it that important to me? What really matters to me? Why do I believe what I believe? Would I still believe even if I was the only one who believed? I spent a lot of time reflecting on these and other questions.
Eventually, I had to put my foot down. I didn't want my kids to be raised in a home where one parent was continuously attacking the other for whatever reason. I told him that it was time to stop attacking my beliefs. We were equals and needed to treat each other with respect. We needed to agree to disagree and focus on what we did agree on. We needed to focus on strengthening our relationship and our family. I started refusing to stay in his presence when he was verbally attacking me. I would do my best to politely tell him that when he was ready to have a discussion then I was happy to participate. But I wasn't going to let him keep attacking me.
Which is when he quit. And when I realized that he stuck with our marriage as long as he did because he really thought he could convince me to change my beliefs. When it became obvious that I wasn't going to give them up, he moved on. Angrily moved on. He still lived with us but he actively started avoiding being part of the family because it meant being around me. And when in my presence, the attacks only worsened. (I should pause and mention that, although religion was the biggest issue, he eventually wanted to change most things about me. My profession, my opinions, my house keeping, etc. None were good enough for him by the end. Religion came up the most but there were lots of other things brought up.)
Eventually he stormed out one night and I told him that it was time to fix things. If he didn't want to start treating me with respect, then we were through. It took two months of letting him choose and he didn't choose me.
I believe in God. He is an active participant in my life. I believe He answers my prayers and helps me make good choices. When I choose to follow Him and His ways, I am a much better mother than when I don't. I'm not saying if you don't believe in God you can't be a good parent. I'm saying that I believe in God and I believe He helps me in my role as a mother.
But I'm not a fanatic. Religion adds perspective to my life but most of my life is pretty typical. I play, I work, I do everyday normal things. I just do it with the belief that God has my back. I also don't insist you believe the way I believe. I hate quarreling and also don't believe in forcing beliefs on others. I believe the best way to share your beliefs is to live your beliefs. Unfortunately, there's plenty about this life and about God's ways that I don't understand. I'm still in my education. I'm happy to share what I do understand and my opinion but usually I wait to be ask. I do invite people to join in a variety of religious activities. But I don't think any less of anyone if they decline my invite.
Life is a personal journey. Sure we interact with a variety of people and perspectives and experiences but ultimately we choose what we believe, who we are, and what we get from it. I choose to believe in God.
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