Confession #14: Life rarely goes as planned.

I've spent the past few weeks contemplating a variety of topics which has culminated in this post. It's a thought that has been going through my brain since I started this blog and it's time to write about it.

Has anyone's life gone "as planned"? In big or little ways, it seems things have not worked out the way I planned.

Let's start at the beginning of when I started really planning. Life after high school. Owing to the wonderfully steady and safe home environment my parents provided and the blessings of not having any traumatic events at the time, my life went as planned for the most part before I left high school. Sure, I had a plan but I didn't really think too hard about it. Enjoying life and graduate high school.

During high school, I faced the decision of what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was difficult but not too difficult. Most of high school I alternated between a career as a marine biologist or as a science teacher. Both seemed awesome to me but ultimately stood secondary behind my ultimate career goal: being a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be my mother: involved in my children's life, involved in the community, involved in my church, and doing my best to be a blessing to everyone I met. When people needed me (especially my husband and children), I wanted to be readily available to help. There's a flexibility in this career choice that fit what I wanted from life.

As much as I loved marine biology, I gave it up because being an educator better fit the role as wife and mother that I envisioned for myself. The same way I decided not to pursue life as a college athlete (track and field.) It would've been awesome. But life is too short to fill with too much and I had a plan. Besides, I LOVED (and still love) teaching. Don't think I sold myself short. I wasn't a dummy in the sense of not aiming for what I wanted. I still bought plenty of marine biology books, topped off my education with an oceanography course, frequented the mini aquarium at my college campus, and gazed longingly at the track as I walked home (an injury prevented actual running at the time.) I was just willing to sacrifice for what I wanted most.

So what was my plan? When I graduated high school, my five year plan was: go to Brigham Young University, get a degree in biology education, somewhere over the course of my education meet Mr. Right, marry him, live happily ever after as either a stay-at-home mom or science teacher.

Pretty simplistic but ultimately I'm easily pleased. I don't want much in life and family is where I'm happiest. That plan lasted a semester before it was interrupted...

By a service abroad teaching English to children in Russia. Sure I could have meet Mr. Right in Russia. You never know. Especially in the middle-no-where-Russia where most Russians only spoke Russian and I only spoke English and Americans were extremely rare... I always wanted to live in a foreign country so when my newly found best friend poked her head into my dorm room with the perfect opportunity I was sucked right in.

And never regretted it. I came back from Russia fully intent on sticking to my plan. A year later I was a bit frustrated with the fact that my plan was not going well. The problem: dating. Or the lack of really. How was I supposed to find Mr. Right without going on any dates? Why was no one interested in me? Although intent on finding Mr. Right, I wasn't going to be stupid about it and marry the first guy to come along. I wanted to explore my options. I did the best I could by going to all sorts of social events. But I had a problem. I was extremely quiet and shy. But confident, too. I've been told it's very intimidating. It was so hard for me to open my mouth and chat with people I didn't know. But I was also well trained in speaking with confidence. I did have friends, typically people who were forced into my life through work or sharing an apartment. They saw more of the real me than most people I met.

Anyway, 2 years into my plan and I'd successfully been on dates with two different guys. Both blind dates. They didn't ask me. Someone set it up. As I was discussing this problem (both the dating and the shyness) with God, I decided to deviate from the plan and take a break. So I went on a mission for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It was awesome. The perfect learning environment for me. If there's one thing I could talk about at the time, it was my absolute faith in God. And, with my missionary name tag, people expected me to talk about God. It gave me an opportunity to improve my conversation skills while doing something I loved. And, no stress about lack of dating. My plan was on hold and I was okay with it.

When I came back I was 4 years into my 5 year plan and less than 2 years into my college education. Time sure does fly. Fortunately, a church leader wisely told me as I was heading off to college the first time to "not let my college education get in the way of my education." Although my college education was a little delayed, the skills I gained from the delay were worth it.

My plans were up in the air as I faced so many choices that I never imagined. I am blessed and cursed with a fascination of everything good. I still had the ultimate goal of being a stay-at-home-mom but by the time I returned from my mission was smart enough to realize that it might be more than a five year plan. I was contemplating changing my major as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life in the meantime. Did I really want to be a teacher? I was (and am) most fascinated by people and really wanted to travel the world. What degree would best serve my purposes?

Over the next few years, I became more flexible in my planning. I couldn't control when I met Mr. Right. But I was determined to finish my college education. I transferred schools to be closer to my family and, with the transfer, dropped the education degree in favor of a biology degree. I just wanted to graduate and I loved science, especially biology.

For the next few years, my life mostly went as planned. I went to school, hung out with friends, and had a great time. I was still a bit frustrated with the dating scene but grateful that I'd finally been asked on a few dates and even had a couple short-term boyfriends. (Some wonderful guys, too. Just not the right one.) I overcame most of my shyness and think I was a pretty friendly person on the surface. Scared to death on the inside a lot of times. But friendly and sociable on the surface.

By the time the spring of 2009 rolled around, 6 years after I graduated from high school, I was a semester away from graduating and finally had to face life decisions again. I was graduating. What did I want to do? Get a masters somewhere? In what? Travel the world? Add a teaching certificate?

At this stage, I decided that I'd tried meeting Mr. Right in likely places and that hadn't worked so I figured that I could just as easily find Mr. Right in an unlikely place. So I came up with a plan. One my dad wouldn't have liked but as long as I felt God approved, I was going with it.

The new plan: Take another year of school to add a teaching certificate to my degree (add more options to my degree), move to Africa and study the people and culture of Africa first hand, meet Mr. Right where ever I happen to meet him, marry him, live happily ever after as either a stay-at-home mom or science teacher or whatever fits our family best.

Now, before you laugh at my plan and consider it not very well thought out (in the Africa department), when I made this plan I had a year to figure out whether or not I was really moving to Africa and add more steps to the plan as needed. (Africa was just the place that fascinated me most at the time. Currently I really want to visit New York City and Washington D.C. A few years ago it was Great Britain. Really, I'd love to visit everywhere...)

It was a very flexible plan but at least my life had a sense of direction and purpose. Shortly after making this plan, I met the man I married and my life took a dramatic life shift and my life is now on a completely different, totally unexpected path.

I'm not going to go into much detail on those 4 years. When I got married, I really thought my plan was finally in place the way I wanted it to be. The man I married and I truly had the potential for the life I envisioned. But things didn't go as planned. I made a choice based out of trust which was eventually broken. Divorce was always my biggest fear. Definitely not part of my plans.

Eleven years after my initial post high school plan, and here I am. Still working on fulfilling my life-long dreams. At first I really struggled with the sudden plan shift. My plans were failures. Over and over and over again. Or were they? Sure, things didn't go as planned on the surface. But under the surface, things have always stayed right on track. My ultimate goal is to be a good person. My aim to be a stay-at-home-mom was aimed at an ability to be flexible in order to help as many people as possible, especially my husband and children. Sure, I'm not a stay-at-home-mom yet (and may never be one) but the experiences I've gained in life have always been on a path towards my ultimate goal. With all the plan changes, wasn't I learning to be flexible? And I very clearly, regularly was (and still am) faced with the choice of putting family or my selfish desires first. So my plans haven't been failures. They just didn't go as planned.

I believe God has a plan for each of us. A beautiful, perfect plan that leads us to what we desire most. But if we're too busy worrying about ourselves, we may miss seeing God's hand in our lives. I struggled this past year to remember the ways I'd seen God's hand in my life and to see past my pain into the door He opened for me. A much better door than the door I was hopelessly trying to force my way into. A lot of struggles led up to this post. A year's worth of trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. And a summer's worth of frustration at all the everyday plan changes that leave me feeling like I have no control. But I do have control. I always have choices. Not always the choices I want. But I always have control over the choices I face. And I always control my what I desire most. That's always up to me and no one can ever take it from me.

So what's my new life plan? It really hasn't changed from before. Current plan: Be a Supermom! while also being a science teacher, meet Mr. Right in an undefined amount of time, marry him, continue my adventurous life-long education.

It's a pretty awesome plan.

[Note: I decided to use the term "Mr. Right" in reference to my future eternal companion (since I desire to find one man for me for forever, a forever commitment.) The term "Mr. Right" makes it seem as if I believe that, among the 7 billion people on this planet, there's only one man that would be the right man to marry. This is not what I believe. I believe that any two people fully committed to a marriage relationship can make it work. Yes, it's ideal to find someone who is as easy to be married to as possible but ultimately I believe that commitment is the key. Real love is a choice. If you choose to love someone, although difficult at times, you will find a way to make the best choices for your relationship. So, in using "Mr. Right", I'm referring to whoever I choose to marry in the future not implying that my options are limited to one person.

As a random side note: If I do switch career paths away from being a teacher, I've decided to study neurology instead of marine biology. I love (for the most part) that life has so many choices!]

Below are some other unplanned events from this past month. Some good, some not as good, some that didn't matter.

I didn't plan on Baby Brother falling twice and banging and scraping his head while camping. (Looks worse than it is. He loved playing in the dirt so the band-aids are mostly to keep dirt out of the scrapes.)

I did not plan on getting stuck in pretty much stopped traffic in the desert between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. In fact, I timed the trip with the plan to miss a lot of the normal traffic. (There was an accident on the road.

Remember this? I planned on washing laundry not books. (See Confession #11)

I planned on making a bunch of freezer meals this summer. Then I didn't have time so I pushed that plan to Labor Day weekend. Then work was delayed and unexpectedly I made a bunch of freezer meals last week.

I planned on cooking those eggs not dropping them...

I didn't plan on making superhero masks for myself and my boys. It just kind of happened. I don't even remember how. Deciding to make something crafty with them. Knowing Big Brother loves superheros. Seeing the black foam. Who knows. But there are plenty of things in my life that weren't "planned" that are so good. So many good unplanned moments with my boys.