The point of this blog is to help me. To help me be a super mom. To help me survive my struggles and my pains as well as to share my hopes, dreams, and joys. To help me dump the extra weight somewhere so that it doesn't get dumped on my kids. Because super moms don't dump their extra baggage on their kids.
Right now, I haven't been doing that. I got scared. Scared of what everyone reading this blog would think if I was honest. Scared of the people who have hurt me in the past, the people who hurt me in the present, and the people who will inevitably hurt me in the future. Pain is a part of life. I accept that. The trouble is figuring out how to let that pain go in appropriate ways.
I got stuck because I was posting these blog posts on my Facebook page. It was good in some ways as I started because it's what I felt was needed. But, in reality, I can't be completely honest when linked to Facebook because I know those people and actively fear their comments. Fear their judgments.
That doesn't mean they're bad people. It just means that I don't trust them. Except for my mother. I trust my mother and she's my Facebook friend. But she spent 30 years growing that trust and definitely proved it the last five. And my dearest friend. She knows who she is because she's the one who was pregnant and dropped everything to come help me with my newborn when she heard about my separation. I trust her. Not as much as I trust my mother. But a lot.
The rest I don't trust because they don't love me. They may love some of the things I do or they may have loved me at some point. But they don't love me in the deeper sense that results in true sacrifice. The type of sacrifice my mother has shown me throughout her life and my friend clearly showed when she came to visit.
I don't blame people. There are so many people to choose to love and definitely people who should be priorities higher than me. There are some on that list that I wished loved me that much. There are some on that list that professed to love me that much but, in turn, betrayed the trust I chose to give them. There are some on that list that I'm sure think they love me that much. I'm sure there are also some on the list that wish they loved me that much.
I write this to relieve my heart of this burden--it's a heavy burden. I'm choosing to write it here because I feel like I'm not the only one. I imagine that there are other single parents who struggle just like I do. Who desperately wish to be loved by someone with a little more depth than their toddlers.
Parents who know that there perspective may be a little skewed at times. But it's the only perspective they have since they're alone doing the best they can.
There. Unstuck. Bravely posting my honest feelings. Which is extremely hard for me because of the emotional abuse I endured. At the hands of more than one person in my life. I don't care if you agree with my feelings. I don't care if you agree with my perspective. But I do. Because I desperately want to be loved, appreciated, and worthwhile. Yes, I doubt my worth. But, that doesn't mean I don't know my worth.
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