For the most part, at this stage, it's not because I'm worried about their well-being. I know they're safe. Their dad's house is a safe enough environment for their ages. It's not like I was sending them somewhere scary. It's a clean, comfortable place. Mostly, I trust that God will take care of them while they're away.
I also know that this trip was essential. They need a good relationship with their dad. In fact, it's one of the main reasons I divorced him. I knew he cared about Big Brother but, because he was so busy hating and avoiding me, he was destroying his relationship with him. I can't guarantee a great relationship or anything but they definitely have a much better one than they did before the divorce. (Baby Brother, too, he just formed his relationship after the divorce since he'd just been born.)
This trip was essential to me because their dad just moved over five hours away and I wanted my boys to understand why they weren't going over to dad's every week anymore. I wanted them to know that the problem wasn't them; the problem was the distance. It was also essential so that they got used to longer periods of time away from me. Up until now, they really haven't spent a full week away from me. It's always been part of a week and often only part of a day. Now that their dad moved, they're guaranteed a full week or two away from me at time. They need to get used to it. They need to come to understand that mom loves them even when they're not home with her.
So they went to their dad's. And, yes, they miss their mom. And I miss them. We Skyped almost every day. It was awesome. Then it was not as awesome. As the week went on, I could tell it was getting harder for Big Brother. It wasn't that he wasn't having a good time. But, like I said, they're not used to being so far away from me. It was hard for me, too.
Despite being hard, Skyping was fun and beneficial. Baby Brother has a hard time staying focused on a computer screen or staying still for any length of time. But he flitted in and out. He would also come up to the screen with a content grin if I called his name to get his attention. It was definitely worth it to see that he was doing well. With the tantrums he can throw in my presence when leaving or returning, it's good to see he's not as distraught the whole time.
Big Brother showed me his toys and insisted I read him stories. He talked and share details about his life with me. He was pretty upset most nights when I said good bye. Insisted on one more story. Begged me not to go. But I did. Because he needed to know that, even when we miss someone, we keep going. We'll be alright.
But, I struggle. I struggle to eat when they're gone. I'm used to filling my day thinking about their needs. A large part of that is figuring out what and when to feed them. With them gone, I lose focus and forget that I need to figure out dinner. It's so easy to procrastinate dinner. (Which is what I'm doing now since I'm sure my rice has finished cooking by now...) I'm used to knowing they'll get hungry soon so I better have dinner ready. But, with me, it's easy to push my hunger aside to finish something first. I'm also used to sitting around the table enjoying meals with my kids. Meals are less exciting without company to enjoy it with. Sure, it was easier to eat when I finally made something to eat. I didn't have to stop to help my boys every other minute. But it was lonely.
I also struggle to sleep. One reason is because I don't have to worry about them waking me up in the morning. So it's a lot easier for me to rationalize staying up too late. But I still wake up at about the same time every morning because my body is used to it. The result less sleep. I also have a really hard time convincing myself to go to bed when I'm lonely. I already struggle with loneliness relating to my failed marriage. It makes it hard to go to bed knowing that my loneliness will still be there in the morning. It's even harder knowing that the next day my kids will be gone, too. I don't consciously focus on these thoughts most of the time but they're back there as I choose to read a book or watch a movie to get out of my life for a moment or two or an hour or two or too many. Sometimes it's nice forgetting my life and getting into someone else's.
Finally, I struggle with the empty. Until the divorce, I had never spent so many nights alone in an empty house. Just me. By myself. I grew up in a large family. It was noisy and loud and I loved it. Even on the occasions when it was quiet, it felt alive. Then I moved out but I always had roommates and people around. And again, it was noisy and loud and I loved it. And, on the occasion that it got too quiet or seemed empty, I just invited people over so it would be noisy and loud. So it would feel alive. When I got married, at first, I had a husband. It was a little quieter but not like this. And before I could really get bothered by the quiet and before it started feeling empty because he was gone a lot, I had a new baby. The rest of my marriage was not quiet or empty. Because I was either at school with a room full of noisy teenagers or I was at home spending time with Big Brother. I got used to running at a frantic pace but also slowing down to enjoy the moments with my family.
Then I got divorced. And suddenly I was given nights all by myself. Quiet, empty nights. They were few at first but gradually increased. Baby Brother was on a modified plan at first so he didn't spend any nights away, only days, until a few months ago. Then it was hard. It gave me time to think and be lonely and wonder what had happened. Now I struggle less with that but still struggle with my empty house. I'd invite people over but I don't know who. Most of the people I know have families of their own. I don't really have any single friends my age any more to fill the void. So I have some quiet, empty nights.
They're good for me. It's not that I don't enjoy quiet. I don't care if the people around me are noisy or quiet; I just care that they're there. But I'm learning that I need to be able to be content with who I am and what God has given me. My house isn't empty because I'm in it. And I'm pretty awesome. I'm learning to use these "empty" moments to take a much needed break. It definitely gives perspective for those days when my boys are home and things are a little beyond chaos.
I'm also learning to love at a deeper level as I choose to fill "empty" moments with serving others. I am learning how to love my boys even when they're not here as I choose to do tasks that benefit them such as cleaning the house, prepping meals, and doing special things for them. (Like prepping Big Brother's 3rd birthday party. I am so excited!) I'm also learning to recognize who else I can help while they're gone.
I'm also learning how to love myself more. Learning to be okay with focusing on a talent or doing something fun. I went to a few social events this past week. Not sure anyone really benefited from my presence but I definitely benefited from theirs!
It's getting better. As the years pass, we'll get used to this. It may not be the perfect life I always imagined. But it's a good one. I'm grateful for it. I'm learning to be more grateful for it and to show that gratitude better rather than wallowing in lonely moments.
Still, the boys get back tomorrow and I am THRILLED. CAN'T WAIT. HURRAY!!
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